i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
