Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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