Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
