I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
