i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I need moral support for this bender
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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