please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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