Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
