theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We need to get me chipped asap
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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