are you so shy because you have an std?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
