I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
