i wish there were pregnant emoticons
this boner is exhausting
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
