If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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