Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize