puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
