that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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