the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
