grandma shit on top of the toilet
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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