i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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