You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
