I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
