and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize