Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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