WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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