I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
