I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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