he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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