No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
