I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
