I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
