You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
