You can't motorboat a personality
even my farts smell like vagina
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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