I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
