Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize