I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i used baking grease as lip gloss
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
