he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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