That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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