sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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