The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize