Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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