is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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