girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
