so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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