he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
