Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
