dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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