is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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