the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
