Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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