I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
