you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize