I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
