Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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