I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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