bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I think a kid would responsible me up
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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