i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
