how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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