Dual....:-)
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize
