you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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