Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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