She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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