He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
