My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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