Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
