Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We have so much sex to catch up on
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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