She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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