If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
