: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
